This is news on the hour. First, to finance. The FTSE, Dow Jones and NASDAQ indices fell sharply today as a result of the cities of London and New York and all other financial centres being reduced to glowing piles of radioactive waste. Similar falls are expected in Russia’s MICEX and the Chinese SHCOMP. Finance analysts are optimistic, suggesting that the market cannot fall any lower than zero, so the only way is up.
In other news, it appears that nuclear conflagration has engulfed the world.
The global destruction is thought to have been started by a US submarine commander who, incensed by repeated reports of Chinese aggression across all American media, launched nuclear missiles at Beijing, Shanghai and Macau. Retaliatory barrages directed at US, European and British cities were detected, and retributive strikes unleashed on Chinese and Russian targets. In an act of unwarranted aggression, Moscow then discharged its own nuclear stockpiles. Some two thousand nuclear devices have been detonated in cities in both hemispheres in the last two hours.
It is expected that survivors will form new governments as soon as possible in order to get back to important tasks such as discussing what people should be allowed to do in the privacy of their bedrooms and to their own bodies, the need to censor journalism, and how to rebuild the defence industry.
Now to the weather. London, New York, Paris, Rome, Berlin, Washington, Beijing, Moscow and all other major centres, you can expect temperatures up to four thousand degrees Celsius. Elsewhere, fine with mushroom cloudy skies. Expect nuclear rain, darkness and plummeting temperatures due to complete blotting out of the sun.